I have been experiencing trouble finding my own words.
This is not to say my mind has been empty. In fact it has been quite full. A typical 60 seconds in my brain might look something like this:
Did I change the baby’s diaper? What is that awful smell? I really need to clean the carpet. Or maybe I need to clean the couch. Yuck. A leather couch would be nice. Who has time to shop for a leather couch? I need to write-up my chart notes. I don’t remember anything about the first patient I saw today. Woman or man? What kind of rash did he/she have? When did I last shave my armpits? Maybe I should be a little more European and stop shaving. How do you document a pink funky looking rash in medical terminology. Ugh. I am learning another new language. Learning a new language is supposed to be good for creativity. Did I change the baby’s diaper? Oh yeah, I need to change the sheet in the crib. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? Did I eat breakfast? I am really hungry. Am I sure I ate breakfast? Oh I like that blue scarf. I really like the color blue. The baby’s eyes are blue. The sky is blue today. I miss the sunshine. I wonder if the hubby had a chance to work out today? I need to go for a jog. Squirrel. How do I find a landscape design person? My yard is mostly moss and mushrooms. I need to wash my car. Did I change the baby’s diaper? What is that awful smell?
And so on. And that is why I have not written much lately. Or drawn much. I have not made time or space for creativity in my brain. Instead it is full of mommy and wife and home owner and student and provider and sister and daughter and maybe even a little bit of myself on occasion. Creativity takes time and space. It requires nourishment – and what that means is probably a little different for everyone.
I am finding that my creativity needs space. There needs to be an empty canvas and a lack of incoming data and a little bit of time to let things develop. Until I find that space I may write a bit less frequently then I want to write (which would be every day!). And I may borrow other’s words to reflect on versus trying to find my own each time. Because frankly it is really hard to find my own words when they keep getting interrupted by – Do I need to change the baby’s diaper? Did I do laundry? Are the gutters leaking? How do I tell a patient they have skin cancer? When did I last shave my legs? Who won the World Series this year? What is that awful smell?